


Last Week Tonight with Jax Alvin - AA Edition

by wordsonthepage (tryingtostorytime)



Category: Last Week Tonight With John Oliver (TV), 逆転裁判 | Gyakuten Saiban | Ace Attorney
Genre: Gen, also changed JO’s name so it wouldn’t be weird, i can’t believe the writers of LWT have to do this for a weekly basis phew, spoilers up to SOJ
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 13:40:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18195317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tryingtostorytime/pseuds/wordsonthepage
Summary: In these special editions of Last Week Tonight, Jax Alvin will delve into all the nuance and weird shit that goes on in Japanifornia.The craziness-level's almost as bad as Florida.We're not kidding.





	Last Week Tonight with Jax Alvin - AA Edition

HBO PRESENTS...

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JAX ALVIN

* * *

Our main story for tonight is Spirit Channeling.

I know what you're thinking: Jax's gonna do call outs and expose fraudulent practices! Happy happy funtimes, get the popcorn and soda out.

Now, I'm not going to argue that there have been people pretending to communicate with the dead before - we did a similar episode on Psychics, look it up on Youtube - but _this time_ is noticably different.

Actual Spirit Mediums? Believe it or not, they're real. And we've got to discuss how they're so intristically linked to our American legal system.

Hear me out, this will make sense in a few minutes.

Let's start with what goes with Spirit Channeling. Is it really real? Can anyone do it? How does it happen? And the answers to that are: yep, no, and get ready for a summarized yet somehow still longwinded explanation of a complicated and highly limiting religious practice.

Spirit Channeling is basically the ability to deliver communication from the dead, _or_ to act as a host body for the spirit to possess to converse with those in the living world. The ability has been known to extend through two specific bloodlines in the entire world, and manifests in those born biologically female.

Now, you might think that's sexist. But the way I see it, in the grant scheme of things, since people with uteruses have to deal with monthly periods and/or bringing more new people into the world, they should also get the superpowers of a Marvel superhero.

Hashtag-MysticMarvel, Hashtag-It'sOnlyFair, Hashtag-Feminism.

_=Audience cheers=_

Unlike Psychics, the art of Channeling is surprisingly difficult to fake. The main and most recognizable method is a full body possession, in which the medium would physically change into what the spirit looked like in the mortal world. Meaning that if the spirit was of a six foot tall body builder with pecs the size of dinner plates, then that's exactly what the channeling was going to look like.

It's a bit hard to explain such an extreme transformation if one _weren't_ a medium... unless your name's Popeye and you just wolfed down an entire can of spinach injected with steroids.

The other channeling method is called the ' _Divination Seance_ '. In this case, the medium calls the spirit into a body of water, in which they present a visual play-by-play of their dying moments.

Bit gruesome, yeah. But also really, really difficult to fake with projectors and special effects. The light would reflect off the water weird, and there are little pink butterflies that tend to float at the edges of the pond - look, trust me, it's legit.

The latter is actually a signature technique of the Kingdom of K'hurain, which some of you may have heard making waves in international headlines some time ago. It's seen here in this map visual...

... Except that's _not_ the Kingdom of K'hurain - _that's_ K'hurain, and let's all collectively try to get out of our limited Westernized mindset for a little while, shall we?

_=Audience laughs=_

The first accounts of Spirit Channeling started there in K'hurain. And we don't mean myths and legends here. Fourteen surrounding countries have verified ledgers spanning _generations_ of government officials going to the country to communicate with ancestors or past leaders. This allows them to consult about various issues - such as steps to consider for their homeland's future, to ratting out Arturo, the asshole royal brother who spending the family fortune on his lawnmower collection. Which, I assume, garners a very serious family discussion.

Lawnmowers notwithstanding, that sounds pretty incredible, right? K'hurain's citizens seemed to think so too. They built an _entire religion_ about it. Not only that, but it's such a big deal that, historically, only the _presiding royal queen and her successor_ are ever been known to practice it.

Side-note: that, by the way, was vital testimony in overthrowing a corrupt monarch and about two decades of unjust laws. It's a whole another topic that we can only take a sip of right now, but will definitely dive into on a future segment.

Anyway, what you _really_ need to know about this K'hurain's relationship with this mystical art is how they've incorporated it into law enforcement. The Divination Seance would summon the victim's spirit from the afterlife, in court, to process what happened. Sometimes they'd even reveal the face of the killer.

Essentially, the Seance was an evidence gold mine. And because of it, K'hurain's legal system became a shining beacon all over the world, able to solve an unprecedented number of cases that would've been left hopelessly stagnant otherwise. A lot of falsely accused owe their freedom and lives to it - attested here by this dude who apparently got arrested _a lot_ because of his suspicious appearance:

_=Screen transitions to a video of a scruffy man in army slacks hunched over, glancing around shiftily. A purple scarf and specialized green goggles sway around his neck. Upon hearing the call of the reporter and noticing the camera, he straightens to unleash a hearty grin, laugh lines evident at the corners of his eyes. His name is featured at the lower left of the screen: Datz Are'bal, Acquitted.=_

_"Aw man, if they hadn't noticed that weird piece of evidence in Queen Amara's voodoo magic, I would've been toast! And I mean that literally. Heard Chief Prosecutor Gaaran's been eyeing getting the electric chair in the country. Har har har har! Guess I gotta change my name to 'Zap' Are'bal!"_

_=Video cuts with Datz flashing the 'peace' sign proudly=_

That man could kill a guy. I'm not saying he would, but he has the capability.

Anyhow, one of the names he mentioned - Chief Prosecutor Gaaran. That woman was actually the Queen Amara's younger sister. After the latter's attempted assassination - which I again promise we will discuss in a later episode because shit got _wild_ -, Gaaran replaced her as reigning queen of K'hurain. And unfortunately, it is under her tenure that the state of the legal system regressed.

The Divination Seance was overhyped. Gaaran convinced the courts that since the Seance already provided the 'ultimate truth', defense attorneys should be rendered unnecessary and subsequently phased out.

And so, it was.

 _Which was a hell of an idiot move!_ You had a good thing going for you, K'hurain! You had the Krabby Patty secret formula in your meaty claws, and you just tossed it in the gutter! It was perfect, you had a system then...?

What the fuck were you thinking!?

_=The audience laughs as Jax slams his desk repeatedly in emphatic rage. Eventually, he calms down.=_

Thus, the state of their legal system changed in the eyes of the global community. This dark age affected K'hurain's socio-political landscape for _years_.

And yet. According to the more recent Chief Prosecutor Gaspen Payne back in 2027, things couldn't be better.

_=A sweaty middle-aged man in a gold suit appears to practically attack reporters in midst of his mirth.=_

_"The memories of the dead are infallable! What better evidence is there? We've already gotten rid of stupid defense attorneys - at this rate, we might as well also remove detectives and investigations. All that matters is glorious Spirit Channeling! Wahahahaha-"_

_=Video cuts with the image of Payne rearing maniacally, gray toupee halfway off his shiny scalp.=_

Cool.

There's a lot to unpack there, but let's zoom on one word in that entire tirade. 'Infallable'. It's a natural assumption that the last things and people a victim sees would directly be involved with their death.

 _However_ , it has been proven again and again, that's not actually the case.

With the entire country well aware of their court system, criminals have used it to their advantage. They've staged evidence in pre-meditated murders, influencing what the victim sees and hears in their final moments, to orchestrating their own _suicides_ just so that their own memories could implicate someone else. This doesn't even include allegations that arose from potentially accidental deaths, and bystanders getting implicated just because they were at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Without defense attorneys, no one could question the validity of the visions, or provide alternative ways they could be interpreted.

It is getting better, however. Thanks to a successful coup by local revolutionaries, the Defiant Dragons, and two foreign defense attorneys that just so happened to get caught up in the mess, K'hurain's well on their way reforming both the legal and political system to lessen such abuse and mismanagement.

A happy ending! Kinda. And right, you might be thinking: ok, great story Jax. But what does that have to do with America?

Well, I've got a hell of a surprise for you. We had our own Spirit Channeling soap opera episode: a Scandal in Japanifornia about twenty five years ago, in 2001.

Pretty sure at least half our audience right wasn't properly out of diapers by then, so let me give you a brief rundown.

It was called the DL-6 Incident, a confidential case about the murder of a defense attorney in a courthouse elevator. Spirit Medium Mystic Misty Fey, Master of the Kurain Channeling Technique, was instructed to call upon the spirit of the dead, and let him possess her to provide testimony about his killer.

Sounds pretty straightforward, dunnit?

Not exactly. I'll let this middle-aged prosecutor, who spectated at the trial, take it from here.

_=A tall white-haired man in an impeccable blue suit stands in the lobby of a courthouse. Behind him, the accused is in handcuffs, escorted by a baliff at each side. Meanwhile, the man speaks to the camera in a haughty, grandoise tone. His name is Manfred von Karma.=_

_"I fail to see the necessity of documenting this farce of a trial. What have we come to, relying on testimony from this, this 'spirit medium'? Pish-posh and absolute trickery! If this were my trial, I would not stand for it! And, and even if it did work, who is to say that the victim's spirit will cooperate, hm? Hm!? Gregory Edgeworth was a coward of a man - he would say anything to have a captive audience."_

_Another voice - the person documenting - spoke up. "You seem... agitated, Prosecutor von Karma."_

_"Ah...! It is just nerves - it has been a while since I stepped in the courtroom. I... Cease this ridiculous recording, you fool! And get out of my way. I must acquire a seat for the proceedings."_

_=The clip ends with von Karma shoving the cameraman aside.=_

So according to Duke Rude-ious Asshole-ious, mediums could not be completely trusted. And that was actually a valid assessment. In fact, that was why the court assigned the best of the best at the time to judge, defend, and prosecute. They were trusted to cross-examine the spirit to their fullest ability, and not stop until the truth was finally revealed.

That is not what happened.

In this shitshow that followed, when the spirit gave questionable testimony, instead of holding a proper cross-examination, the defense - only caring about his career - shoddily had the accused escape jailtime by pleading insanity. As a result, loose ends were left untied and a ten-year-old child was left traumatized on the witness stand. Also, that prosecutor we saw earlier, who raged about the thought of letting mediums do their job?

Years later, it turned out that - _and this is true_ \- he was the murderer all along.

That's right. Everyone, say it with me: _Fuck you, Manfred von Karma. You're an absolute piece of shit._

_=Audience cheers in agreement=_

As for Mystic Misty Fey, it was not a good first foray into the legal system. It also proved to be her last, because soon after, an expose leaked revealing her involvement. Accused of being a fraud and publicly humiliated, she went into hiding - and with her, so did all the other practitioners in America.

That was the end of Spirit Mediums in our courtrooms...

... But does it _have_ to be?

We have already established that Channeling, when implemented correctly, can shed light on vital clues in murder trials and investigations. And sure, their abilities can be exploited, but that's why it's essential to maintain safeguards with skilled, passionate, and _honest_ legal teams to cross-examine everything they present.

In recent years, there was one staunch proponent to bringing back Spirit Channeling in our courtrooms. Her name was Mia Fey, Misty's eldest daughter and an incredible attorney in her own right. She took up law to understand the complexities of the legal system, and the best way to reintroduce what was once belittled and shunned to a wider audience.

Unfortunately, she had passed away well before her time. Nevertheless, her legacy and goals continue in the work of her protege, Phoenix Wright.

He has worked with the Fey Clan for years, even partnered with the current Master of the Kurain Channelling Technique several years back. Not to mention, and we're not making this up, but _he_ was one of the defense attorneys mentioned earlier, who visited K'hurain and influenced the tide of revolution.

More than anyone, Wright knows about the impact that this power can have on society, as well as the dangers it poses. Nevertheless, he still believes that it can bring great progress to the legal world.

And we know this because we interviewed him at his law office, where - and this is true - his teenage daughter almost derailed our entire segment. Off-topic, but she did a live performance the wildest magic routine we've ever seen! You guys ever heard of Trucy Wright?

_=Audience goes crazy=_

And that's well-deserved! Very much so! I'd love to show you some video of it, but unfortunately it's still in the works and we're not assholes, so all that footage is deleted. Sorry about that.

_=Audience awws=_

If you wanted magic shows, you should've gone to your godson's birthday party two weeks ago, Jeremy. They had hat rabbits and everything! Where were you, Jeremy? Where were you!?

_=Audience laughs=_

So back to topic, here's our talk with Mr. Wright. He's quite the character.

 

* * *

Between them was a coffee table littered with an array of law books, high school algebra homework, playing cards, and a plastic prop of floating spaghetti. The two men shook hands above it.

"It's an honour to meet you, Mr. Wright."

"Please, call me Phoenix. And the pleasure is all mine - I'm a fan of the show."

"Then you must call me Jax. Your daughter might be associating with witches, by the way," he informed, brows up to his hairline as he settled back on the cushions. "I don't see any other explanation how she managed to saw her assistant in half and put her back together like that."

"Witchcraft, huh?" Wright chuckled. He settled into the wider couch across, resting his arm across the backrest. "Sounds like my daughter is in good company."

Jax squinted suspiciously over his clipboard. "There's a story behind that, but I've a feeling it's way too complicated to get into right now. I'm just going to skip over it."

"Wise choice, Mr. Alvin."

"Let's start at the beginning," Jax declared. "How did you come to know about Spirit Channeling? From your mentor, perhaps?"

Phoenix smiled, although a sadness still lingered in his eyes.

"No. Mia's defining characteristic - the most important thing she taught me - was utmost commitment to finding and revealing the truth. She kept all her research on getting mediums back into the courthouse behind the scenes, even from me. I only found out about the supernatural aspect of the Feys after she passed.... When I met Maya."

"You mean her younger sister Mystic Maya Fey, the current Master of Kurain Village?"

The sadness disappated somewhat in favor of an amused tilt on an eyebrow. "Sure. _'Mystic'_ Maya."

If Jax perceived this as distasteful, the easygoing familiarity the attorney addressed the spiritual leader of an entire sect of religion, he didn't show it. "There is no question that allowing the court to communicate to the actual victims will be a great boon to solving homicide cases," Jax continued with a nod. "But you, more than anyone, should know the dangers it can pose. What if the spirit lies, or they lash out?"

"There are ways to send them back to the Afterlife before that happens, and without harming the host medium," Phoenix said. "And as an attorney, I am no stranger to witnesses lying in the courtroom."

"What you're saying is...?"

"Faulty testimony is just another piece of evidence. My job is to uncover what it means via cross-examination. It's the same with how physical evidence needs to be interpreted properly in order to arrive at the truth." Phoenix leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. "As long as we - the defense, the prosecution, and even the judge - take our jobs seriously, then there's nothing to worry about in adding Channeling to the mix."

"But do you think that the state of our current legal system is up to those standards?"

"... Not quite yet," Phoenix admitted. "But we're getting there."

"You're referring to how Chief Prosecutor Edgeworth's crackdown on corrupt prosecutors and investigators in the police department."

"Mmhm. And hopefully by the time the dust's settled, there'll be spirit mediums ready and waiting to put their skills to the test."

"But that presents another problem." Jax tilted his head sardonically. "Logistically, it's a bit idealistic, don't you think? There aren't enough mediums for Japanifornia's courtrooms in the first place. Research shows there are only two people in the country capable of it, and one of them is already Mystic Maya."

"Well," Phoenix said, thoughtfully. "Maya and I have talked about that. There's... potentially more people with spiritual blood in the country than originally believed."

Jax stared. "What."

"To be frank, outside of spiritual stuff, there's not much to do in Kurain Village," Phoenix explained somewhat apologetically. "Over the decades, a lot of people have moved to bigger cities and settled down. There could be Fey daughters with untapped powers all across America."

"And what should they do should they discover their heritage, wonder if they possess the capability? You can't just expect them to travel across the country to Kurain just to ascertain whether or not they could talk to dead people."

It was a sensible outburst. Nevertheless, Phoenix remained unperturbed, raising an oddly carved stone to the view of the camera. Even in the bright flourescent light of the office, a faint glow seemed to emit from the jade surface.

"The Feys tend to carry a lot of these Magatamas around. Chances are that they'll find it in their family heirlooms. Pe... A Fey friend of mine says that even just a little bit of spiritual power would spark a reaction upon touching one of these bad boys."

"And if they do find such a reaction and wish to develop their powers, then they can expect a warm welcome from Kurain Village?"

"Yep."

"Huh. Better them than us." Jax grinned. "No disrespect to the village - I'm sure they've plenty reason to distrust the media after what they went through - but we tried to call in to request an interview with Mystic Maya herself, and that was just-" He blew out a raspberry, sticking out a thumbs down that sunk to the ground.

Phoenix raised both his crooked eyebrows, slipping the Magatama back into his pocket. "Are you saying that I'm just a back-up interviewee for this segment, Mr. Alvin?"

"That is exactly what I'm saying to you, to your face, Mr. Wright."

There was a heavy pause.

And then the attorney laughed. "You know, I'm actually fine with that."

Quite suddenly, the discussion was interrupted by a high-pitched squealing from the outside hallway. Jax jumped in his chair, clipboard flying out of his hand and out of reach. Phoenix, however, remained unpeturbed.

"That's just the sound of a teenage girls excited about something," he informed sagely. "We have some family friends visiting for lunch. By the way, Jax, how much more time do we have for this interview?"

Thoroughly out of his element, Jax glanced off-screen to where someone was most certainly holding up the respective amount of fingers. "About five more minutes, Mr. Wright. We wouldn't want to keep you from dining with your family-"

"Oh no, I'm not concerned about that. Just give me a moment, please." Unfathomably, Phoenix rose to his feet and meandered to the door of his office, sticking his head out to converse with whoever was at the other side.

Momentarily, he returned... accompanied by the very person they had been discussing just moments earlier.

"Hi there," greeted Mystic Maya Fey, clapping her hands together. "Nick says you've got questions for me?"

_=The video freezes. Jax's disembodied voice plays over the tableu.=_

(Yeah. That happened.

After the collective heart attack that me and my crew went through, we brought Mystic Maya up to speed of everything we discussed thus far. Apparently her responses pretty much align with what Phoenix Wright told us.

So, in order not to take too much of the time she so generously granted us, we asked her the last, and most important question we needed to know.)

_=Video fast-forwards to the relevant part, and resumes=_

" _Why?_ " Jax Alvin inquired meaningfully, palms faced upwards.

Seated next to Phoenix on the sofa, Maya Fey blinked and pulled back her hair behind her ear. "Why what?"

"Why would Spirit Mediums even do this? What do you wish to get out of it?"

"Oh." She furrowed her brow and went silent for a few moments. Her cheeks puffed out in concentration.

"Don't think too hard about it, Maya," Phoenix recommended.

"Hmph. It's pretty much the same as why you do that laywer thing," Maya complained. "To get the truth out and help people. That's it. Does it need to be anything more?"

They looked to Jax for his response. The TV host dipped his head, impressed.

"No, I don't think so. That's a wonderful answer. Thank you, Mr. Wright and Mystic Maya, for your time and sitting down with us. I hope that you get a lot more applications for spirit mediums in the months to follow."

"Hope so too. A lot of residences have been getting ready to B&B," Maya grinned. She looked around cheerfully, at the camera people and light fixtures and interns hiding off-screen. "So is the interview over? We might need to hurry it up or the girls are going to _riot_. Hungry teenagers are a force of nature, you know."

Jax glanced to his producer a little helplessly. "Ah, yes. The interview's over."

"Great!" Maya declared, leaping to her feet and heading for the door. "Then you can all join us for noodles! Nick's paying."

Phoenix flinched. "I am _not!_ "

 

* * *

_=We’re back to Jax in the studio. Before him is a steaming bowl of soup, and he's holding up noodles with a pair of chopsticks.=_

Yes you are! Thanks for the meal, Phoenix. A friendly fellow, despite the scary porcupine hair.

That's our show! Make sure to give Kurain Village a call if you've been juggling some fancy rocks and they started glowing. And if not, maybe consider the legal profession - goodness knows we need more saving lives and serving justice around. Only genuinely good people apply, by the way! I am perfectly serious. Do not be assholes.

See you next week!

_=SLURP... and then Jax gags=_

Aw shit, these noodles are _salty_.

 

* * *

[ENDING THEME]

LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JAX ALVIN

Related episodes: 

[currently unavailable]

**Author's Note:**

> I kid you not, about three-fourths of the way through, I copy-pasted this entire thing into a text-to-speech app and had it spew it all back to me in a sped up British Accent. Just to make sure it more or less hit twenty minutes. 
> 
> (If you haven't seen an episode of LWT yet, I thoroughly recommend it! Each episode is a wild ride.) 
> 
> Anyway, please leave a comment if you've enjoyed this hastily written joke-littered thesis essay, and/or if you've noticed any inaccuracies I might've missed along the way. And maybe you guys want to see more episodes...? Maybe? Let me know.


End file.
